Griffdruid

<Hearth and Homies>

(US) Thrall

Kul Tiran Feral Druid

SHREK

                                   Written by

                            William Steig & Ted Elliott

                                 SHREK
                     Once upon a time there was a lovely 
                     princess. But she had an enchantment 
                     upon her of a fearful sort which could 
                     only be broken by love's first kiss. 
                     She was locked away in a castle guarded 
                     by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. 
                     Many brave knights had attempted to 
                     free her from this dreadful prison, 
                     but non prevailed. She waited in the 
                     dragon's keep in the highest room of 
                     the tallest tower for her true love 
                     and true love's first kiss. (laughs) 
                     Like that's ever gonna happen. What 
                     a load of - (toilet flush)

           Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
           day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
           after the ogre.

           NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

                                 MAN1
                     Think it's in there?

                                 MAN2
                     All right. Let's get it!

                                 MAN1
                     Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                     thing can do to you?

                                 MAN3
                     Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                     bread.

           Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                 SHREK
                     Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                     giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                     They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                     peeled skin.

                                 MEN
                     No!

                                 SHREK
                     They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                     jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                     quite good on toast.

                                 MAN1
                     Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                     (waves the torch at Shrek.)

           Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
           men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
           and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
           men are in the dark.

                                 SHREK
                     This is the part where you run away. 
                     (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                     And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                     up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                     Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                     throws the paper over his shoulder.)

                     
           THE NEXT DAY

           There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
           sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
           to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
           are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
           who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
           little pigs.

                                 GUARD
                     All right. This one's full. Take it 
                     away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

                     
                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Next!

                                 GUARD
                     (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                     Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                     broom in half)

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                     Next!

                                 GUARD
                     Get up! Come on!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Twenty pieces.

                                 LITTLE BEAR
                     (crying) This cage is too small.

                                 DONKEY
                     Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                     be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                     Give me another chance!

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Next! What have you got?

                                 GIPETTO
                     This little wooden puppet.

                                 PINOCCHIO
                     I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                     nose grows)

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                     Take it away.

                                 PINOCCHIO
                     Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                     Help me!

           Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
           to the table.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Next! What have you got?

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                     if you can prove it.

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Oh, go ahead, little fella.

           Donkey just looks up at her.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Well?

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                     nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                     Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

                     
                                 OLD WOMAN
                     No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                     to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                     talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                     you ever saw.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Get her out of my sight.

                                 OLD WOMAN
                     No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

           The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
           of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
           hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
           with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

                                 DONKEY
                     Hey! I can fly!

                                 PETER PAN
                     He can fly!

                                 3 LITTLE PIGS
                     He can fly!

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     He can talk!

                                 DONKEY
                     Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                     a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                     have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                     but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                     fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                     to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                     to the ground.)

           He hits the ground with a thud.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                     After him!

                                 GUARDS
                     He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                     Turn!

           Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
           Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
           for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
           quickly hides behind Shrek.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     You there. Ogre!

                                 SHREK
                     Aye?

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                     to place you both under arrest and transport 
                     you to a designated resettlement facility.

                     
                                 SHREK
                     Oh, really? You and what army?

           He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
           and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
           and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
           begins walking back to his cottage.

                                 DONKEY
                     Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                     you was really, really, really somethin' 
                     back here. Incredible!

                                 SHREK
                     Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                     and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                     around and Donkey is right in front 
                     of him.) Whoa!

                                 DONKEY
                     Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                     you that you that you was great back 
                     here? Those guards! They thought they 
                     was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                     and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                     like babes in the woods. That really 
                     made me feel good to see that.

                                 SHREK
                     Oh, that's great. Really.

                                 DONKEY
                     Man, it's good to be free.

                                 SHREK
                     Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                     freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

                     
                                 DONKEY
                     But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                     I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                     wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                     stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                     fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                     the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                     us.

           Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
           loudly.

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                     don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                     work, your breath certainly will get 
                     the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                     need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                     you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                     the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                     time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                     continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                     his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                     berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                     out of my butt that day.

                                 SHREK
                     Why are you following me?

                                 DONKEY
                     I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                     I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                     me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                     no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                     faith...

                                 SHREK
                     Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                     have any friends.

                                 DONKEY
                     Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                     cruelly honest.

                                 SHREK
                     Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                     me. What am I?

                                 DONKEY
                     (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                     tall?

                                 SHREK
                     No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                     torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                     bother you?

                                 DONKEY
                     Nope.

                                 SHREK
                     Really?

                                 DONKEY
                     Really, really.

                                 SHREK
                     Oh.

                                 DONKEY
                     Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                 SHREK
                     Uh, Shrek.

                                 DONKEY
                     Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                     you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                     thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                     Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                     a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                     Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                     in place like that?

                                 SHREK
                     That would be my home.

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                     You know you are quite a decorator. 
                     It's amazing what you've done with such 
                     a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                     That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                     don't entertain much, do you?

                                 SHREK
                     I like my privacy.

                                 DONKEY
                     You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                     we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                     you got somebody in your face. You've 
                     trying to give them a hint, and they 
                     won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                     (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

                     
                                 SHREK
                     Uh, what?

                                 DONKEY
                     Can I stay with you, please?

                                 SHREK
                     (sarcastically) Of course!

                                 DONKEY
                     Really?

                                 SHREK
                     No.

                                 DONKEY
                     Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                     You don't know what it's like to be 
                     considered a freak. (pause while he 
                     looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                     But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                     You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

                     
                                 SHREK
                     Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                 DONKEY
                     Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)

                     
                                 SHREK
                     What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                     a chair.) No! No!

                                 DONKEY
                     This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                     late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                     the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

                                 SHREK
                     Oh!

                                 DONKEY
                     Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                 SHREK
                     (irritated) Outside!

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                     I don't know you, and you don't know 
                     me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                     know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                     slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                     like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                     born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                     myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                     myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                     no one here beside me...

           SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

           Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
           a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
           noise. He stands up with a huff.

                                 SHREK
                     (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                     stay outside.

                                 DONKEY
                     (from the window) I am outside.

           There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
           made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
           and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

                                 BLIND MOUSE1
                     Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                     farm, but what choice do we have?

                     
                                 BLIND MOUSE2
                     It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

                     
                                 GORDO
                     (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

                     
                                 SHREK
                     Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                     and lands on his shoulder.)

                                 GORDO
                     I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                     ear)

                                 SHREK
                     Ow!

                                 GORDO
                     Blah! Awful stuff.

                                 BLIND MOUSE1
                     Is that you, Gordo?

                                 GORDO
                     How did you know?

                                 SHREK
                     Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                     you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                     from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                     Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                     with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                     no, no. Dead broad off the table.

                     
                                 DWARF
                     Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                     bed's taken.

                                 SHREK
                     Huh?

           Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
           The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
           him.

                                 BIG BAD WOLF
                     What?

           TIME LAPSE

           Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
           him to the front door.

                                 SHREK
                     I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                     a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                     do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                     front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                     he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                     Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                     no. No! No!

           The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
           pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
           flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

           
                                 SHREK
                     What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                     echoes and everyone falls silent.)

                     
           Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
           tent.

                                 SHREK
                     All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                     move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                     Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                     dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                     No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                     shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                     look at Donkey)

                                 DONKEY
                     Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                     them.

                                 PINOCCHIO
                     Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                 SHREK
                     What?

                                 PINOCCHIO
                     We were forced to come here.

                                 SHREK
                     (flabbergasted) By who?

                                 LITTLE PIG
                     Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                     and he...signed an eviction notice.

                     
                                 SHREK
                     (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                     this Farquaad guy is?

           Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                 SHREK
                     Does anyone else know where to find 
                     him? Anyone at all?

                                 DONKEY
                     Me! Me!

                                 SHREK
                     Anyone?

                                 DONKEY
                     Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                     Me, me!

                                 SHREK
                     (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                     tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                     Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                     In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                     right now and get you all off my land 
                     and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                     Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                     You! You're comin' with me.

                                 DONKEY
                     All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                     man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                     friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                     adventure. I love it!

                                 DONKEY
                     (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                     with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                     on the road again.

                                 SHREK
                     What did I say about singing?

                                 DONKEY
                     Can I whistle?

                                 SHREK
                     No.

                                 DONKEY
                     Can I hum it?

                                 SHREK
                     All right, hum it.

           Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

           DULOC - KITCHEN

           A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
           dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

                                 FARQUAAD
                     That's enough. He's ready to talk.

                     
           The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
           onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
           table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
           up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

           
                                 FARQUAAD
                     (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                     and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                     as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                     me. I'm the gingerbread man.

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     You are a monster.

                                 FARQUAAD
                     I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                     and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                     poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                     me! Where are the others?

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                     eye.)

                                 FARQUAAD
                     I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                     Now my patience has reached its end! 
                     Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                     pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)

                     
                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                     buttons.

                                 FARQUAAD
                     All right then. Who's hiding them?

                     
                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                     muffin man?

                                 FARQUAAD
                     The muffin man?

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     The muffin man.

                                 FARQUAAD
                     Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                     on Drury Lane?

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     Well, she's married to the muffin man.

                     
                                 FARQUAAD
                     The muffin man?

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     The muffin man!

                                 FARQUAAD
                     She's married to the muffin man.

           The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                 HEAD GUARD
                     My lord! We found it.

                                 FARQUAAD
                     Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                     it in.

           More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
           They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
           Mirror.

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                 FARQUAAD
                     Magic mirror...

                                 GINGERBREAD MAN
                     Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                     him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                     with a lid.) No!

                                 FARQUAAD
                     Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                     Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                     of them all?

                                 MIRROR
                     Well, technically you're not a king.

                     
                                 FARQUAAD
                     Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                     hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                     fist.) You were saying?

                                 MIRROR
                     What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                     But you can become one. All you have 
                     to do is marry a princess.

                                 FARQUAAD
                     Go on.

                                 MIRROR
                     (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                     and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                     for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                     And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                     one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                     a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                     and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                     include cooking and cleaning for her 
                     two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                     (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                     number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                     the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                     with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                     Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                     find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                     on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                     picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                     certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                     three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                     castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                     But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                     a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                     and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                     for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                     picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                     be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                     number two or bachelorette number three?

                     
                                 GUARDS
                     Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

                     
                                 FARQUAAD
                     Three? One? Three?

                                 THELONIUS
                     Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                     three, my...